Review: Dark Shadows

Premise

Oh, Tim Burton. Johnny Depp. What did we do? Was it the Alice In Wonderland reviews? Is that why you hate humanity?

Okay, maybe I'm being too dramatic. Dark Shadows was in no way a "life-ruining" film. It was just terrible. So that's okay, right? Basically, Barnabas Collins (Depp) travels to the US with his family in 1760, who establishes Collinsport, a small fishing town in Maine, and Collinswood, their stately manor. Barnabas, after growing up as some kind of rich playboy, has an affair with one of the workers of the house, who falls in love with him. When he doesn't return her love and he falls in love with someone else, she goes a bit mental, kills his parents, makes his girlfriend jump off a cliff and turns him into a vampire (with MAGIC?). Understandably, he's pissed off. Oh, but she's not finished. Figuring that, hey, losing loved ones and becoming the undead isn't THAT bad, she leads the townsfolk to his home and has him buried in a coffin until 1972, when he escapes and seeks to rebuild his fortune with the help of his descendants, the Stoddard/Collins family.

The Good

The setting and visual design of this film are, admittedly, very nice. I think I've come across a lot of complaints about these two aspects, but I liked them. It fits the era that Burton's trying to emulate, and it gives Barnabas a number of misunderstandings that really stand out as the only amusing moments in this production. Even if they only give us cheap laughs, it's better than no laughs. I think Collinswood is a stunning creation. I have a certain love for gothic manors, it's a particular fascination of mine, so yeah, the house was a highlight for me, as was the grim atmosphere of the town. You hear Maine, you think Stephen King. Then you shake that thought from your mind, and for me personally, I think of Maine as quaint little towns, with neatly presented building exteriors. There was just something so interestingly...off about Collinswood, like the sky was destined to always be grey and cloudy. It was nice.

Okay, so, yeah, Johnny Depp is good in this. I'll admit that much. Barnabas is a rather amusing character and the way in which he interacts with each member of the family is entertaining, although some are rather confusing (why does he have a conversation about marriage and birthing hips with Carolyn Stoddard, who is played by 15 year old, Chloe Moretz? What's going on there, Burton?). Still, there are plenty of moments where Depp does what he does best. Act weirdly and talk in a funny British accent (because, yeah, we all talk like we've got a stick up our backsides).

Same picture used earlier in the blog. That's called recycling, kids.

I suppose the same can be said about some of the other actors. Eva Green is interesting as Angelique, though her "I love you, but fuck that, I'll ruin your life and your family's lives" schtick gets a bit old after, oh, ten minutes. Michelle Pfieffer is...in it. Not much more I can say about that. Same can be said for Johnny Lee Miller, whilst Helena Bonham Carter is literally just showing up on the day of filming now and saying "Right, what's my line? Do it in an orange wig? Okay, let's shoot this fucker!" Chloe Moretz and Gulliver Mcgrath play the children's parts as you'd expect. She's a surly teenager, he's a bratty kid. Jackie Earle Haley is rather entertaining as the family's caretaker, but again, there's not much more to say about his character. I'll get to my point about this later.

The Bad

I had to start this new section now, just to get to Bella Heathcoate. I'm not sure what's going on with her character, but it's just meh. Just...just meh! Give me something to work with here, I mean, it's boring. She's not mysterious, even though her story calls for it. A well played mysterious character will make the audience think "Oh, I wonder what her story is." A badly played and poorly written mysterious character makes us think "They're going to explain whats up with her in an hour and a half and it won't be worth the wait" and it definitely isn't in this instance. As for what I was saying in the last section about there not being much point to Jackie Earle Haley's character, I'd like to extend that to all the characters that aren't played by Johnny Depp. Look Burton, if you're going to give us a film that we're told is centered around a family with secrets, make those secrets worth the running time. I won't spoil anything (watching the film will do that for you. BANG, in with a zinger!), but seriously, none of the characters interested me. At all. It was a shambles, a mess, a pointless endeavour of film-making, offering up a half-baked story, dull characters with no development and a waste of a good cast.

The Ugly

Pointless celebrity cameos are always ugly!

For those who skipped to the end...

This is a messy, pointless film which offers nothing substantial in the way of comedy or horror, which is rather unfortunate for a comedy horror film. The cast is underused and underdeveloped, with Johnny Depp taking center-stage on what is essentially the most pointless adaptation so far for 2012. Burton, take the hint, drop the adaptations and remakes and start doing some original work again.

2/10 (and that's being generous)